The new year’s eve message that never was

I wrote a message to you on New Year’s Eve but didn’t send it. I’m going to include it now.

Dear friends, December 31, 2009

I have contemplated just deleting my web presence altogether. For a long time now actually.

I don’t seem to have much to say these days and have completely changed direction in my life.

In the spirit of new years eve and new beginnings and instead of disappearing, I will share a short update. Perhaps it may shed some light on where I have been and what has been happening.

As you know, in 2008 I released the new record. Throughout that summer and onward, I suffered very bad health, more hospital stays and began yet another long, inward journey.
I came out of my illness strong despite it running me down in every possible way.

I was also happy to be holding a new “baby” in my hand. A new CD I was and am, very proud of.

Following the release of the new CD and tours that followed, a lot of changes took place in my music career. Including the walking away from what I thought were friends, both related to the music business and not.

Sadly, I learned a lot about people, real friends and the music business and overhauled my life entirely.
It wasn’t an easy transition to make, but I knew it was coming and followed my instinct allowing it to fade.

I spent the following year recovering my health physically and trying to salvage spiritually, what the music business single handedly crushed.
I don’t say that lightly.
For those of you that have followed me over the years and/or really know me outside of the business, you know there was nothing more joyous for me than finding my voice and chasing what at the time was my dream – being a musician.
I found it late in life but when I did, it changed how I lived. For a girl who spent the better part of her youth not choosing life, this is saying something for me.

Musically speaking, time and politics eventually killed the innocence, while the travel and stress of being a full-time touring songwriter killed my body and mind.
In the end, I was rundown in a way I wasn’t sure there was a way out of.

Fortunately, fate took me in a direction I could never have imagined.
I met my wonderful husband and began a new life and completely new direction.

It was really scary at first and honestly, I fought it for the first couple of years. Both getting married and living in a foreign country took some getting used to.
I’ve now reached a place in my life that I understand, embrace and adore.
I am completely at peace and full of contentment with how my life has turned out.
I couldn’t feel luckier and happier with the path I am on.

Since being sick and releasing the new CD, my husband and me have begun a new journey into parenthood.
A journey I dreamed about my entire life and one I knew that someday I would be ready for.
Dying and never becoming a mother was one of my worst fears. For realizing this dream, I am so grateful. Carrying a child and preparing for motherhood is one of the biggest gifts I have experienced yet. I am so grateful.

Sadly, while experiencing the wonders of pregnancy, my dear, sweet and amazing father has passed away.
It has only been a few days and why I am sharing this so soon, I am not sure.
Trying to heal, find a way to grieve maybe. I don’t know. I just know that I felt an overwhelming need to share how different I feel. How much things have changed and how despite the closure of certain people in my life, I have moved on from any negative feelings I may have had about well, everyone and anything. It all seems so unimportant now.

Because of these life changing events, I feel completely removed from all the little things I used to think mattered.
It’s true you let all those things go when bigger things in life come at you.

I am focusing on the big picture now. The only things that really matter to me which are my family and real friends.

Life is so short and so precious and I will never, ever again waste one minute of it focusing nor distributing any type of pain or negativity to those around me or in the universe as we know it.
I will do everything in my power to let it all go and everything I can to give my little family the chance we so deserve.

I will always love and appreciate my music and you, my fans that I have given so much hope, love and encouragement to me over the years.
For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart and will forever be grateful.

It’s just that, I no longer feel any need to prove myself. To chase my own tail just to prove I can catch it. Or just for the show it puts on for those around me.

I’ve moved on for now and would like to live out of the spotlight, both online and in person.

I will likely still have a foot in the business and continue down new avenues to satisfy my soul.
However, the full out chase has been called off. Happily.
And this new age of everything public and online has finally taken it’s toll on me, I am gracefully stepping back and hiding behind the curtain.

My biggest fan, my father, has moved on from this physical world.
I will never, ever be the same.
I dedicate my humble little career to you papa. Thank you for everything you have done for me, believed in. I miss you so much it’s hard to breath and I will love you forever. I wasted so many years running around the world trying to prove myself, when all along you already saw who I was. For that, I feel really sad. I wasted so much precious time.
Now I see what I was running to and from and as life moves on, I realize it’s too late to take it all back and come home. I will always regret that.
I hope I can counteract that by reminding others not to waste one, single minute of their lives.
If you think you are not living your life for yourself, look closely and fix it right away.
Tell your loved ones you love them – everyday. Love and forgive yourself no matter what. Don’t let anyone get in the way of that – including you.

Dear friends, thank you for taking this journey with me and until and if we meet again, may you find peace, love, happiness and joy in both your family and friends and all that you do. Both in 2010 and beyond.

I am routing for us all.

Love, Chris

Hello stranger :)

So you’ve probably been wondering where I’ve been.
I’m still here.

Sorry I’ve been so out of touch with you guys. I know I used to be much better about journal’ing here and keeping in touch.

Since my illness last summer, I’ve kept a pretty low profile and as you probably know, not doing too much in the way of shows other than close my region in Europe.

I have been however going in new directions with my music and getting some great results. Music film/tv and I’m working on a lot of exciting musical projects here at home in Austria.

It feels amazing to have been off the full-time road and I must admit I don’t see myself going back anytime soon.
It’s a lifestyle better suited for people that don’t mind being away from home for weeks or months on end. I used to be one of them but since getting married and beginning a new grounded life, my priorities have shifted drastically to family and taking care of myself.

I still love each and every one of you and am so appreciative of all you do for me. <3
Thank you so much.

Just so you know, I am not done with live performing. I just need this extended break to first and foremost take care of my health. Now that I am in the clear and feeling strong and healthy, I will continue to take a leave of absence (other than a few one-offs and a week here and there) until I feel the time is right to jump back in. Even then, it won’t be the crazy months and months on end on the trains of Europe alone. I can say with heart I have seen enough and don’t feel the need to chase it in that way anymore.

In the meantime, watch your favorite shows and listen at your local cinema’s for my music. I’m very excited at the developments in that department and to be honest, the residuals from this will allow me to continue with less touring and more records.

I’m working on a few new record concepts which for now, I am keeping a secret.
I promise when the time is right, I will tell you more.

It’s finally Autumn here in the alps and I must admit I am fully enjoying being home with my husband and our sweet rescue golden retriever, Buddy. We’re about to renovate our place and soon thereafter it’ll be time for our Annual Christmas trip to see my family. The highlight of our year – especially mine.

With that said, Fall and Christmas time here in Innsbruck is spectacular and I feel so lucky to be here every second to enjoy it.

So let the pumpkin-carving, pie-backing and leave-raking begin!

I am thinking of you and hope so much this finds you happy, healthy and full of love – wherever you are. Thanks for being in my life and believing in me.

Love,
Chris

Eaten by guilt and losing precious time

Every time I get into a discussion about social networks, the internet, online and living your life on display in general, I get into trouble.

My friends & family think I’m crazy with the amount of online presence I have. They don’t believe me when I say I don’t like it. Their biggest laugh comes when I say one day I will erase it all.

So I haven’t done that, yet. Obviously. But I will say, I am getting closer.

Let the party begin. Operation shut down commence. The closing ceremonies are on the horizon.

Yes. I know you don’t believe me. Trust me, I don’t believe me.
Give me some credit. I’m trying.

I’m not going to say it’s all getting canceled and you won’t find me running any sites anymore. Of course not. With my music career and everything else, being on the internet, online and having some kind of presence is essential. Sigh.

However, joining every social site out there. Uploading personal photo’s, filling out private profile questions, connecting with people I would rather not – is just not for me anymore.
Truth be told, it never was.
As a person in the entertainment industry, a friendly one and very motivated (note: ocd insomniac) by default I got very sucked in.

As of today, that is all going to change.
I realize it must come across as insane considering the internet and social media only seems to be getting stronger. Just when things get good I’m checking out.
I know. But…

I have nearly 20,000 “friends” on Myspace. Admittedly, it used to be a great networking tool for my trade. As time went on and the whole world followed, that was lost. A couple of years ago I wrote and turned on an “away message” as I couldn’t keep up with the hundreds of messages I was getting in a week.
I stopped returning the important ones for business, family and friends. It got ridiculous and out of control and everything way too complicated.
Now I log in, do my business and sign off.

Facebook was a bit the same but as everyone knows, has become some kind of uncontrollable monster even our parents want to see up close. Ugh.
And if you’re in the entertainment business, accepting “friends” is part of the deal (they could be agents, fans = potential CD sales and so on) so it’s gotten more difficult to distinguish who is who. And now with the new lists of who can see what, who can’t blah blah blah – how much time do I need to spend on this stuff to decide who sees what, how much I am willing to give away? Answer? WAY more than care to.

I admit I have fallen into the never-ending social media trap a lot of musicians and artists tend to fall into. Since the debut of Myspace especially.

Some like it, some like me liked it at first (um, sort of) but mostly joined, maintained and stayed on for the sake of the business. And some want so much to close it all down but find themselves checking in daily. *cough*
If I want to really get into what goes on, I could say returning business messages and networking has almost become impossible, if downright boring. It’s much more fun to fill out really long (and privacy invading) questionnaires. Throw sheep (or I used to before the site took over the world) hug a friend, “like” a status update or photo.
Now people (ehem) don’t even bother to throw a sheep or buy a virtual drink anymore. Clicking the “like” tab is the new short cut. Like some kind of online Facebook equivalent to returning a message, sending a virtual hug and throwing a sheep for good measure. See how ‘efficient’ it has become?
Sigh.

I don’t need advice on how to streamline the sites. I don’t need any new sites to visit or software to download and make it all manageable.
I don’t need to attend webinars or pay $9.95 a month to be told how to succeed online.
I know all of that.

I would rather put my time, money and heart where my mouth is – which is offline.

I really, truly want to get back to the good old days (hah) of online presence; my website and my blog.
The latter also being an invasion, but one I admittedly never minded and will continue to update. As a long-time diary user (since I could write) going online with it was a natural progression for me and one of the few online habits I have been ok with sharing and maintaining. Starting with that almost dead now site, livejournal.
I haven’t updated that one in years, but it’s floating in the universe. I don’t mind. If you’re curious; http://christeneledoux.livejournal.com/

Otherwise?
Not so much.

I realize I’m still talking about it and have yet to actually dismantle them, so I guess it’s time to sign off … again.

It will take some time. You will see me wherever you happen to see me. I won’t pretend this will happen overnight. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day and like weight gain, it tends to be harder to take it off then it was putting it on.

Please don’t be offended if I have not;
Replied to your beautiful email.
Poked you back.
Commented on your holiday photo’s.
You get the point.

If we are friends you have my contact information.
And if I am your friend, I will get my act together (in person) and give you the time you deserve. The replies you are waiting for and the long overdue calls I keep posting “I promise I will make.”
I’m so sorry. I really am.

If I don’t get a grip on this I am afraid I will be lost to you forever. It feels out of control and the guilt I carry not being able to keep up, is becoming unbearable.

Are you breathing?

I admit it, I’m afraid to die.

I got to thinking today about the past couple of years. Where my life has gone.
How did I lose so many people I love recently? Both in death and in friendship?
When will I go? And when I do, will the ones I lost touch with care? Will they
even know?
More importantly, will I have lived honestly and fully? Will I have
done all of the things I set out to do, didn’t know I should try and love as hard
as humanly possible?

The answer was a resounding no and that is where it began.

With all of the media deaths lately and more important to me, my friends passing on, I’ve been quite the morbid one.

I can’t deny I have always been petrified of losing the ones I love. So much so that I routinely since a child checked to see their chests were rising and falling with air.
Yet with all the time I spent worrying about losing my friends and family, back when I was younger, I never really put a second thought to my own death.
It’s only something in the past couple of years I have not only really started to try and wrap my head around but fear. Not a good feeling.

I got to thinking what if someone in the music industry interviewed me about my recent hiatus from the music business. What if they wanted to know every detail down to every thought.
At the end of the day, or life as it will someday be, any interviewer will have long forgotten a little folk singer like me. He’ll hardly remember he asked such profound questions.

So here I go. I’ll interview myself.
But instead of questions I am going to start with answers.

I often tell people the story of being 28.
When I was 28 I didn’t really know.
What I mean is, I was still in the phase of my life where things just flowed from one thing to next. One year bled into the next. One heartbreak to another. One town to one city, to another country and so on.
I wasn’t really watching the clock. Time was moving slowly.
Of course I could have died at 28. But I didn’t. And more than anything, I just didn’t have a huge sense of my own mortality. I lived pretty free and allowed people, places and things to touch me as deep as they could and not give a second thought. I knew how to live. Mostly.

Then at 35, on my birthday, I woke up with not only the obvious fact I was 35 but a psychological, physiological sense of being 35. Like waking up with your eye mask when it’s light but for a minute, you think it’s still dark. When it comes off, it’s a major shock. That’s how I felt. Shocked into 35.

And I believed and still do, in the 7 year cell change.
They say every 7 years your cells change and along with your whole make up.
I wasn’t waiting for it or anything. In fact, I don’t know that I was aware of it then. I just know on that day, I leapt from 28 to 35. Really, in one day I felt 7 years older in every way.

It wasn’t long after that while touring in Greece I met my husband.

I knew when I left for that particular tour I was a changed woman. I knew something was coming and I saw everything in an entirely new light. I was waking up, again. For the first time? I can’t be sure. However I do remember clawing and scratching my way onto the Transatlantic flight. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leap anymore. I started to get scared for the first time in my life.

To make a long story short, we met, we courted, we married. And here I am living in the alps of Austria.
Sounds like an ending doesn’t it?
And it is in some ways. But a beginning I couldn’t possibly imagine took a strong hold and has not let up since. Everyday it’s stronger and everyday I feel my skin is going to burst open.

I was married, friends started dying. I mean, really good friends. Not that any passing is ok but these were the ones I expected to sit in old age with on the porch.
Just like that, gone.
And then I realized I may have missed a few important stops on my life path. How could that be? Time was moving so slow. I had so much of it. I thought.

All of sudden my clock starts ticking. I mean, it just went off one night. Screaming, blaring, thumping, bashing me over the head with the sound of it.
Baby. Baby. Baby.

Then when I thought things were weird enough, I started to have some health issues. Major ones that required a lot of hospitalizations and with that, show cancellations. In turn it was like dominoes and pieces began tumbling.
I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t save me. I had to let things fall where they may.

It was like one day I am 28 and the next I am reaching a ’semi-middle age point, baby making time but I have no time, where are my friends, what did I miss, what should I do point.’
Crisis? You bet.
And how did I deal with it? I stepped away from the very thing that gave it to me. Music. It’s just what happened.
I can’t explain it any better nor excuse it anymore.

I’m coming back now. Slowly. On my on terms. But I’d be telling a big, fat lie if I said I am not sick of answering the questions about where have I been, when will I come back and why did I leave in the first place.

Life. Life just caught up with me and there was that one day that I just woke up.
I woke up and realized it was mine and mine alone and I had to accept where I was, what I was going through. Live it, deal with it and move on.

And I have.
It was a slippery one this time. Hard to keep in my hand. Not tangible but I think I understand now. I’ve got a hold now.
Truth be told, you couldn’t pay me any amount of money to go back to 28 or 35. Really. I worked too damn hard to get here, I’m not going back now.
It’s time to get to work on the next phase.
Before my time runs out.

Will you be my friend? …Socializing today.

With the digital age almost permanently (I said almost) replacing meeting real people in real time, it got me to thinking about my digital “peeps” out in the world … wide web that is.

Back in the day, you met them face to face. You know, at a concert or party, maybe in school or a holiday. Participating in an extra curricular activity.
Nowadays, being online IS the extra curricular activity.

Where does that leave us?

To get with the program (quite literally) or step away from the computer?

I tread both to be honest. Some days I am all over the place, tweetin’ this, facebookin’ that, myspacin’ him and her, bloggin’ my every thought.
Other days? I try and delete the people I’m not sure why I added in the first place, erase the photo’s I should NOT have posted drinking wine the night before. You know, things you wouldn’t dream of sharing before the internet deemed it not only ok but almost necessary if you want to play fair on the web. Maybe the cool kids will want to be your friend. You show me mine, I’ll show you… Uh.

Wine, internet. Got me to thinking…
Although this is the opposite of someone you don’t know but instead a real person you know…er, knew and now with years passed it’s been propelled into the world wide web, I want to include in this unfortunate situation an example of a bad night in the world of technology…

Scenario; Girl (ok, that’s me) decides it’s a good idea to drink more wine than she needs. Fair enough. She had a hard day and she had been laying off the booze for a good amount of time. She gets on Facebook. She sees her x-boyfriend had emailed her back. Yes, she found him on FB and sent that “Hello stranger” letter, oops email. Um. She’s happily married now but she’s still alive you know. So she stares at his picture and from the look of his suit, wonders what he’s up to now. He looks successful. She gets nostalgic (even more than when she first emailed him) and starts to think of the old times. For a songwriter, this could get dangerous. And she does it. Yes, she does the very thing we all dread someday we might do, or cringe when we get the “Hello stranger” email ourselves. She begins to write. She tells him some of the songs on her records were for him. She gives titles. She talks about her new life and husband. She tells him he was great and she was stupid. She says it took a LONG time to get over him. Yes, she emphasizes that. Um. She says, “I let you go now sweet boy” as a footer. Yikes. She hits send.

Do you see where I am going with this?

Ok, I admit I don’t. I started talking about friends we don’t know and somehow veered into the world of x’s pre-online to online… Um. Nevermind.

And with that minor distraction out of my system, I can get back to what I really want to say and that is… If I need to talk to a friend really, really late at night (at length) about really personal things, will these ‘digital’ friends be there? Only online I assume. If I needed to borrow money and couldn’t pay my mortgage, would they help me? What if someone close to me passed away and I needed support at the funeral from a friend? What if they saw gross things I did or me at my worst, watched me make big mistakes and see how imperfect I really am? Would they still be my “friend forever?” Exactly.

So why is it that online friends seem to be all the rage? Am I missing the point?
I suppose I would be lying if I said I haven’t made some ‘real’ friends that started online myself. It’s just… just. Well. I dunno. Just seems so dirty somehow and so fake and sad. Everyone hopping around trying to leech what info they can, get inspired or bring others down, share ideas or steal them, make a buck, steal a buck. What gives?
Will this only get worse?

Of course there are very good people in the world. Of course we are all good at the core and online like everyone else just doin’ our thang. But it can be so private while being so open. It’s so easy while making things so much more difficult. Giving us work we didn’t know we had.
It can make nice people mean. Mean people can appear nice. Ugh.

I took a hiatus from my music and although health issues were my main reason, I admit I was all too happy to get out of and off of the crazy online world of gimmie gimmie gimmie more…gimmie more. Britney is annoying but she nailed that on the head wouldn’t you say?

When I just let the email box pile up and sit, deleted the hundreds of emails from my peers asking for help, didn’t sign up for any new social networking sites and let the ones I had sit dormant, stopped putting press kits, CD’s and whatever else in the mail… I felt a HUGE sigh of relief. I mean, the kind of relief you feel when you think you lost your rent money and it turns up. The kind of relief you feel when you think you didn’t pay a parking ticket and you may have a warrant out for your arrest and head in the pokey at any given time. No, those weren’t referencing me.

So I just got on with living and guess what? I met my husband and for the first time in years I had a real place to live, make love, cook, decorate, nest in.
I made really good friends with people I could actually see on a regular basis. Build a real face to face trust that only comes when you spend live in person time with people.
I got good at knitting but I blogged less. I started to dig through my old photo’s and send them to the people I had promised to send them to for years.
I even picked up my guitar, without agenda and just played. Like the old days.

Going off line should be like the book ‘The Sugar blues.’ We should go off it once in awhile. We should experience it more than a few times in our lives. At the very least, widdle it down. For some, way down.
Really. It’s that good. Better than… Yes and with less time online there is more time for that too. Ehem.

And now as I sign off my digital readers, I wonder who reading this is my friend in real life or friend online. Whichever you are, I really truly hope you are planning to get offline soon, get out of the house and hug a real person. Those virtual hugs take too much time anyway, leave you with guilt trips if you don’t send one back and don’t feel as good as the real thing.

If we happen to meet out there, I welcome a real, live in person hug anytime.

p.s No, my x didn’t “friend” me.

Once a young girl too

Do you ever think about the fact that one day, all of this internet presence you have spent a painstaking amount of time and money on will be gone?

That one day after you have died, after all the tributes on these said sites will have worn off, prices gone up to host your site, passwords forgotten and friends and family dead, that life will have just moved on? www.INSERTnamehere.com will disappear and be handed over to someone else? Or worse, parked?

Recently a friend of mine passed away.
As I was searching through my contacts I discovered all of this time he had web site up and I didn’t know. He wasn’t a musician but was in the business.

What? How could I not know he had a website.

When I clicked it through I discovered that it had lapsed.
I thought perhaps it had lapsed long before his passing.
Then upon emailing his wife I was told, “There’s just no reason to keep it. We knew who he was.”

So what happens now?
Well, life I guess.
And www.INSWERTnamehere.com will soon be forgotten, along with any trace of the original and/or first, second, third (someday) owner.

And when did things change so much that our worlds revolved around technology, the internet and someone validating our existence and taking up so much of our time by the way? Yes, I am one of them. My point exactly. Sigh.

Strangers are scanning the land of the digital age looking to read about you, see you in photo’s, rejoice in your victories, cry with you over your losses. Maybe their wasting their lives away too. Living through others, neglecting whatever it is they should be doing. Could be their “networking” or “poaching” information. Whatever, they’re online too.

Remember, eventually one of you will pass. Someday, somehow, you or them, will die. It’s one of the only things we can count on whilst living.

So I have this to say. What do you want to leave behind?
A strong presence online that will eventually fade to nothing or stories your friends and family will make sure live on?
Think about it but don’t email me your answers. I could be dead and if I’m not, I’ll be out attempting to live my life OFFline … as someone’s daughter, once a young girl too.

mourning the ocean

One of the most difficult aspects of living in the alps is the missing ocean.

I will never get over the ocean.

Some days I feel the loss more than others.
If I’m lucky, most days it’s so far out of my reach that I am able to successfully remove it from my thoughts altogether.

They say there is a geographically right place for everyone. Or I should say places.
Just as you are likely to fall in love with more than one person in your lifetime, the same goes for where your feet land, the places you pass through and the places you wish to or do, call home.

Of all the states and countries I have lived, I can say the selling point is and will always be the ocean.
So why am I surrounded by alps that for a better articulation suffocate a person?

Love.

Quite simply, I found one of my many loves in life – a person I mean.
There is no forever really so how long this will last is anyones guess.
But it’s what brought me to a land I would have never chosen.
A home missing the ocean.
Just how long I can stand this separation I’m not sure.

Today this particular film is pulling me out of my denial and forcing me to see, hear and dream of my long lost friend.

Royksopp – what else is there

AVION DREAM | MySpace Music Videos

coffee is my vice

Some days I need coffee more than others.

I went off it for awhile, mostly to prepare to record my new CD last Spring, then tour it throughout Europe this past summer. The cream in my coffee (which I can’t possibly do without) is really terrible for singing so when I am working, I am completely off it. And the cream here in Austria is I think, probably as heavy and strong as it can get. Put it this way, it’s not meant for coffee (the Austrian ‘coffee cream’ is weak, gross shelved warm stuff) and it’s over 30% fat. I know, not the healthiest and honestly, I wouldn’t normally drink something so fat, especially dairy which I have been off a long while.

But it seems lately and not just because I am off the road, lately I can’t put the stuff down. It’s the first thing I think about and do when I wake (make it that is) and the last thing I look forward to when I go to sleep.
The thought of all the creamy goodness is what keeps me going. Some days the hope, looking forward to the coffee, is what makes my life as an expat liveable that day.

One of my good friends here suffers the same expat fate. And maybe it’s because we are both planning our exit someday that most days we are in need of some comfort, something special – to keep us going. I’m not entirely sure.
I guess what I mean to say and should is life here is far from easy and as it turns out, it’s not the region neither of us want to grow old and die in.

Sure it’s beautiful here. Well OK, beyond beautiful. Sometimes it’s downright surreal. That part can’t be argued nor denied. The alps are a many persons dream.
But no matter how beautiful they are, how much I love my husband, how many good friends I have (which is fortunately many here) or how cute my 100 year old home is (which for me is the cutest thus far in my life) it can’t make up for feeling like your feet landed you on the wrong side of the continent.

When I lived in England I always thought I would fall in love and ultimately live my life there. Or even Scotland or Ireland. Maybe even far off Australia was my fate. I wasn’t entirely sure, I just felt it in my bones and when my feet landed in the United Kingdom anyway, they were immediately at home and I was sure they had taken me in the right direction.

Or so it seemed.
Had it been the ‘right’ direction I’d still be there wouldn’t I?
Or… ?

Well, the coffee in England is something I have written a many blogs about and I can safely say that would not have been something I couldn’t live without had I stayed. But because the feeling in my bones living there was that of contentment, I didn’t feel like I needed that extra kick of hope each day. Coffee was not the first nor the last thing on my mind each day. Luckily. The coffee in England is usually freeze-dried powder and when you do find it ‘brewed’ expensive and worse, weak or the total opposite, like mud…. so not craving it was a very good thing.

Maybe someday soon I can give it up again.
Perhaps when the snow stops and the sun returns my heart will be lighter. It could be I’ll need that extra incentive of going back on tour and being forced to give it up so my voice is clear and pretty.
I don’t know really. I just know that it struck me this morning how very much I need this one little vice lately.

Addiction although hard to overcome, for me anyway, comes and goes. At least on some smaller level of an addictive personality.
I’m pretty good at going on and off various things like coffee, sugar and alcohol.

So here’s to hoping the day I can go off the ‘cup of joe’ again means not just that I have to go back to work and sing but that I have finally found a home.
A deep-rooted feeling that geographically I am in the right place.
A place I would be OK growing old, living what is left of my life out in and god forbid die in.